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Malta Island Guide

Waterside @ St. Julians

Malta in a word: Underrated.

Chance of Hooking up: 4 / 5
Quality of Girls: 3.75 / 5
Smoking tolerance level: 3 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: €2.50 for a pint in nightclub.
Bed: €15 for a private room.
Bud: €15 for an 1/8
Board: €7 for a main course.
Budget other: If you stay in Silema or Valletta, prepare to shell out for taxis every night. Stay in St. Juilians or Paceville, trust me.
Currency Conversion


Malta surprises you. Even on a lonely Monday in quiet November, the nightlife is still rockin’ until the early hours. Not only is it one of the hottest places in all of Europe, it’s cheap to get to and even cheaper to hang out in. Add some rustic charm, a sea view and some sexy Maltese chicks and you’ve got all the ingredients for a fantastic getaway. Malta’s just great!

The Girls

Emma Heming

I rate Maltese girls 3.7.5/5 overall, but if you are in Paceville on the weekend this moves up to a 4.5, with generally high standard. Without hyperbole, over 90% of women are in short skirts at this time, and it’s hard to handle. As for looks, the population has similar features to Italians, with dark features, great hip to waist ratios and decent sized breasts. In contrast, they are slightly smaller and perhaps not quite as liberal. Maltese people are very affectionate and people often hang out in large groups. The guys exhibit serious machismo so you will need to be more alpha than usual to compete. Expect to get cockblocked a lot. Maltese girls require a bit of work, but they are well worth it. With such obstacles, why do I rate the chance of hooking up so highly? Well here’s the thing – if the locals aren’t biting, there is an abundance of sexy expats on offer. Expect to meet plenty of resident Romanians, Baltic babes, Russians and a few Brazilians. In terms of tourists, expect lots of Western Europeans, Scandinavians and a the odd Koreans or Aussie. There’s something for everyone in Malta!

Check it:

To see more pictures of sexy Maltese girls click here.

Another blogger writes about the local girls in The Maltese Tease.

Nightlife Recommendations

First off, nearly all of the nightlife is concentrated in a place called Paceville. This is where you need to be. Everywhere is in close proximity to each other so it’s easy to bounce from place to place. Here are some spots you will undoubtedly end up in:

Hugos & Native Bar

Both bars are beside each other. Consistently busy with a central location. Plenty of girls and chart music. Both smoking areas are decent for approaching too. Success was had in both these spots.


This rock bar is my favourite place on the weekends. Great music, laid-back kinky chicks and 25 shooters for €15. If that wasn’t good enough it’s a great place for pick. I consistently pulled several girls a night here.


Welcome to Paceville

Everyone ends up in this club. It’s not exactly inspiring, but it’s busy nearly every night and doesn’t shut up shop until 4AM. Weekdays are great, especially Wednesday, but avoid during the weekend – it’s a cockfest. We had no trouble plundering plenty of chicas in this club on the quieter nights.

*Note: A all right warm up place is Pulse – purely because you can sit outside, smoke hukkah and watch all the talent go by..

Getting High

I found mixed opinions in Malta as to how serious the police take ganja. Apparently it’s just a fine, but some say they will arrest you. I found more info on Marijuana use in Malta here.

My fellow shipmate “Genocide Glen” managed to score some medium grade hashish by befriending a local guy, but he had to drive halfway across the island to get it! He got an 1/8 for €15.

My Malta Experience

I’ve been to Malta twice and LOVED it both times. Check out my stories:

You need to read my last post, The Siege of Malta!

Also my most recent exploits:  Malta Reloaded.


Why not check out more cheeky City Guides?

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19 Responses to Malta Island Guide

  1. Tony Ryan November 30, 2010 at 5:50 pm #

    Great post, man you and Roosh are doing a really great job with these reports – definitely can’t find any of this information at a Lonely Planet. Thanks for the kind words yesterday, was going to email you but couldn’t find a contact form here.

    Keep up the good work dude.

    • Maltese Girl December 12, 2014 at 8:52 pm #

      How depressing. Malta has art culture history and beautiful beaches. If all you want is cheap sex please stay in your own country. The last thing this island needs is cheap tourists like you. Do not underestimate our police force either. I hope you get busted! Idiots!

  2. Jesse Charger December 1, 2010 at 2:23 am #

    Thanks for the report on Malta

  3. kiesah December 6, 2010 at 4:09 am #

    Hey I´m from Malta. Glad you enjoyed it! Good luck on your future travels!

  4. craigmachine February 8, 2011 at 8:15 am #

    what about the language? is there a tolerance of the english language? as with the whole general area is english enough? thanks

    • Naughty Nomad February 9, 2011 at 12:13 am #

      Everyone speaks English, not a problem ;)

  5. Mo Lojito November 27, 2011 at 8:36 pm #

    Dude, I’m off to Malta in 2 weeks. As you advised, I’ll be staying in St. Julians but will be visiting other towns as well.

    Any bars / clubs in particular you recommend I visit? Very keen to nail some Maltese p*ssy! No I do not discriminate!

    If you have any numbers you can hook me up with, even better!

    • Naughty Nomad November 28, 2011 at 5:05 pm #

      It’s all there bro…
      Funny, I’m going back to Malta in a little over two weeks also :)

  6. cle April 29, 2012 at 9:46 am #

    *Note: A all right warm up place is Pulse –
    i think the name is not pulse but PLUSH.

  7. Dom May 3, 2012 at 6:42 am #

    Hi NN,

    Just found your website and farken love it! I’m a kiwi and in three weeks hit Roma and Spain and Switzerland to see girl. Hoped you might have some advice on Spainish and Italian woman but I guess the Cypriots are similar as far as the right game to play goes. I’ll pipeline a bit before i go and actually, your advice on shoring was damn useful. But scoring is such a simple art providing you get the fundamentals right: shoring articles sums it up nicely.

    like you say your website is like lonely planet for guys out for a good time. Glad somebody thought it.


  8. Chris February 22, 2013 at 4:40 pm #

    Hey Nomad, heading to Malta in early september for a little less than a week wanted to get your opinion on a good spot to stay, i know you said paceville/st julians, im looking at Blue Sea St. George’s Park/La Vallette Resort which is about 60 euro a night, any thoughts?

  9. Pedro January 13, 2014 at 6:23 am #

    Hey! Do anyone know if this is a good place to go (Paceville) on January, are there a lot of people during night time, and what about daygame? :)

  10. John November 23, 2014 at 8:02 pm #

    Mate, it is exactly people like you that we do not want / need in Malta so bugger off please to wherever you come from.

    • cereal killer March 30, 2015 at 4:43 pm #

      Oh yea, than what kind of tourists you want? Let me guess, stupid, old, rich and easy to exploit money from. Not a clever ones who don’t want to pay for a service more than it deserve. Easy with crap like this John, the population there live because of the tourists money…so? You are lucky anyway….all the backpackers are in Thailand :))

  11. Jerseydude December 18, 2014 at 5:49 pm #

    Mate your report very useful and a trillion times better than any LP guide or tourist review.
    Legend dude!

  12. Anita January 9, 2015 at 2:04 pm #

    Thanks for the ‘cockfest’ advice, I’m planning on going there with my girls and that’s exactly what I need. Any other places like that?


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