Some of you may remember last year when me and my crew stormed the island in the Siege of Malta. So last weekend the Naughty Nomad decided to pop in to see how things were going…

The reason I returned?

Well during the last Siege I sadly lost one of crew, Cut-throat, to the heart of young resident Swede. She came to visit him in Ireland, they fell for each other and he moved to Malta.

Furthermore, three other friends of ours were decided to go over also, included one of the founding pirates: Barnacle Brian.

Plus the flights were cheap.

Plus Ireland is too fucking cold.

Plus Malta is awesome.

The Weekend…

I forget how awesome my beloved Malta was. It started out in style, when my former Maltese Minx  picked me up from the airport and kidnapped napped me for the afternoon (cheating on her long term boyfriend in the process). I opted not to meet up with her later that night. I was here for my mates, not some chica.

That night was wild. At 25 shots for €15, things get blurry.

I then meet my first fan ever! ”Are you the Naughty Nomad?” inquires a Maltese dude. His name was Dave. Thanks for the shots man!!!

I get my drunk game on. Peacocking with a Santa hat, I approach a  few cuties, get a kiss here, take a number there. I’m having too much fun.

Then I  strike gold – a sexy slim 17-year-old tattooed blonde, with an ass that would of send a man to war. She was on the dance floor. I was fucked. I have no idea what I said to her but we end up making out.

Fade to black.

I wake up in a strange bed. I can’t remember a thing. I look over at see the blonde sexpot. “Holy shit I’m good”I thinking to myself. Her body was insane. My drunk game rocks! I took to time in  indulging in her nubile body. Yummy..

I soon forget about my other Maltese girl, this teen was too hot. To my pleasant surprise - Brian was in the same house, having hooked up with the girl’s cute mate! What a hero.

That night we met up with another dude, flashbang, who knew of me from Roosh’s forum. As it turned out, he was the only other dude on the strip wearing a Santa hat! Hilarious. We went out, got way too fucked up, and eventually me and Brian’s dicks led us back to our girls from the night before. We said to goodbye to a rather jolly flashbang. Hope you were all right next morning mate!

Me and Brian met the girls in the same bar as the night before. Feeling extra cocky, and too pissed to know any better, I went around the bar picking up girls while my date was dancing. I scored three other chicks, including a girl who was with there with her boyfriend of 11 years. (I ambushed her at the bathroom… I know, I’m a dick.)

For the next hour I kept doing a circuit, rotating my chicas, pulling them behind pillars so I wouldn’t get caught. Sharking I call it.

But none could touch my tattooed teen, she was  too hot to put down. I end up spending the night in her’s yet again.. and most of the next day in her bed, ravishing her little body over and over…ahhh.

Not a bad weekend.

I’ll be back for sure…

BTW – I’ve updated my Malta Island Guide for those of you who want to check it out…

 

Malta in a word: Underrated.

Chance of Hooking up: 4 / 5
Quality of Girls: 3.75 / 5
Smoking tolerance level: 3 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: €2.50 for a pint in nightclub.
Bed: €15 for a private room.
Bud: €15 for an 1/8
Board: €7 for a main course.
Budget other: If you stay in Silema or Valletta, prepare to shell out for taxis every night. Stay in St. Juilians or Paceville, trust me.
Currency Conversion

Overview

Malta surprises you. Even on a lonely Monday in quiet November, the nightlife is still rockin’ until the early hours. Not only is it one of the hottest places in all of Europe, it’s cheap to get to and even cheaper to hang out in. Add some rustic charm, a sea view and some sexy Maltese chicks and you’ve got all the ingredients for a fantastic getaway. Malta’s just great!

The Girls

I rate Maltese girls 3.7.5/5 overall, but if you are in Paceville on the weekend this moves up to a 4.5, with generally high standard. Without hyperbole, over 90% of women are in short skirts at this time, and it’s hard to handle. As for looks, the population has similar features to Italians, with dark features, great hip to waist ratios and decent sized breasts. In contrast, they are slightly smaller and perhaps not quite as liberal. Maltese people are very affectionate and people often hang out in large groups. The guys exhibit serious machismo so you will need to be more alpha than usual to compete. Expect to get cockblocked a lot. Maltese girls require a bit of work, but they are well worth it. With such obstacles, why do I rate the chance of hooking up so highly? Well here’s the thing – if the locals aren’t biting, there is an abundance of sexy expats on offer. Expect to meet plenty of resident Romanians, Baltic babes, Russians and a few Brazilians. In terms of tourists, expect lots of Western Europeans, Scandinavians and a the odd Koreans or Aussie. There’s something for everyone in Malta!

Check it:

To see more pictures of sexy Maltese girls click here.

Another blogger writes about the local girls in The Maltese Tease.

Nightlife Recommendations

First off, nearly all of the nightlife is concentrated in a place called Paceville. This is where you need to be. Everywhere is in close proximity to each other so it’s easy to bounce from place to place. Here are some spots you will undoubtedly end up in:

Hugos & Native Bar

Both bars are beside each other. Consistently busy with a central location. Plenty of girls and chart music. Both smoking areas are decent for approaching too. Success was had in both these spots.

Coconuts

This rock bar is my favourite place on the weekends. Great music, laid-back kinky chicks and 25 shooters for €15. If that wasn’t good enough it’s a great place for pick. I consistently pulled several girls a night here.

Havana

Everyone ends up in this club. It’s not exactly inspiring, but it’s busy nearly every night and doesn’t shut up shop until 4AM. Weekdays are great, especially Wednesday, but avoid during the weekend – it’s a cockfest. We had no trouble plundering plenty of chicas in this club on the quieter nights.

*Note: A all right warm up place is Pulse – purely because you can sit outside, smoke hukkah and watch all the talent go by..

Getting High

I found mixed opinions in Malta as to how serious the police take ganja. Apparently it’s just a fine, but some say they will arrest you. I found more info on Marijuana use in Malta here.

My fellow shipmate “Genocide Glen” managed to score some medium grade hashish by befriending a local guy, but he had to drive halfway across the island to get it! He got an 1/8 for €15.

My Malta Experience

I’ve been to Malta twice and LOVED it both times. Check out my stories:

You need to read my last post, The Siege of Malta!

Also my most recent exploits:  Malta Reloaded.

Why not check out more cheeky City Guides?

The Mission: Capture my Maltese flag, in style.

I hit the ground cold and I had a week.

Dressed as a Leprechaun Pirate, I stormed the island with my new crew: Genocide Glen, Pillaging Paul & Cut-throat Killian. Many women fell prey to our charms but I wasn’t interested in just a flag. Any man can put one to his mast if mounted by a chubby chica or a prawn; I wasn’t here to trawl. These opposing paradigms are well summed up in an article by Atlas Al: Flag hunter vs Flag collector.

On Form, the pick up:

I wanted quality. Sometime that comes easy when you’re on form.

I found it – a sexy Maltese cutie weighting only 48 kgs, and that included her breast implants. I got her number in a nightclub and we agreed to meet again. She left. Things continued to go well. That very night I made out with a married Maltese girl, her best friend (on the sly), an Italian and then got taken home by a beautiful Indian Aussie.

Day 1, a fearsome test:

The next meet up with my Maltese cutie was behind enemy lines. She was attending a private party in some upper class club, a pretentious affair concocted for a single launch, some electro progressive bullshit. My friends bolted and left me to my own devices.

Her circle was a mix of models, rich kids and socialites with delusions of eloquence.The scene was decorated by designer couture and Louis Vuitton handbags. Then there was me… the idiotic Irish guy with the ridiculous hat wielding a toy sword!

The minute my date left for the bathroom, I was immediately shunned from the group. Two guys came over, turned their backs and formed a wall of penis, rendering me an outcast. I tried to open her guy friends, I was amoged. I tried to open her girlfriends, I was cockblocked. I looked like the biggest sap in the room. My girl was about to return and my perceived social value was so low I was doomed to a night of frustrated wanking. Welcome to loserville.

I thought to myself, “What would a real man do in this scenario?”.

I could go to the bar… not good enough.

I could go the toilet… like a fucking pussy.

No, I stepped up to plate and went straight up to five other women, opening an entire new set. My costume provided me with a hook point and one of the girls began flirting with me. Just at that moment, my dainty date emerged from the bathroom to see me the centre of attention amongst a group of beautiful women. The timing was perfect. I pretend not to notice her. I sense her approaching my back, I feel a tug on my shirt. The woman was marking her territory. I love a good jealously plotline. I had completely turned the situation around.

Rather then go back to her chilly clique, I bid her adieu and told her I’d text her. In all honesty, I didn’t expect the interaction to go much further…

Day 2, lock down.

No need to text. I turn on my phone at 2 pm and the texts come in. She wanted to meet, asap. I had another date at midnight so we meet at 7pm.  By 10 I was indulging in my sweet little Maltese sex machine. I don’t usually give too much detail, but I will say she was incredible, someone I clicked with on many levels. After my third orgasm I released I missed my second date, but I didn’t care.

The next day I ended up back here in Ireland.

The siege of Malta was complete!