I am 26 year old, African-American female and I am a virgin. As a girl, boys never liked me because I was chubby… but my junior year [in college], I joined a weight loss program and lost 50 pounds. After I lost the weight, something unexpected happened. I began getting attention from men that I’d never experienced before. [Unexpected, really?]…I thought that things were looking up for me, finally, but it turns out all these men wanted was sex. [Shock!]
I wanted a man to sweep me off of my feet, not throw me into the sheets.
Needless to say, I became depressed that even after losing all this weight, men only seem to want me for sex or they just stare and nothing else…I am waiting until marriage, so sex is not an option and it seems like no men want to wait. I went from being completely ignored to being given attention, but only in a sexual sense. I hate to say it, but I think it is because I am African-American and I am seen as only good for sex (if that) and never seen as worthy of a committed relationship, let alone marriage.
I have since gained 40 pounds back (and gone back to my old invisible self) because I feel like no matter what I do, I am not valued.
The men in the PUA/ manosphere are some of the worst…although Mark you’re on the nicer side compared to others.
Why are men so cruel and superficial?
[This letter has been edited down considerably.]
I’m reminded of the story of the Scorpion and the Frog. The short answer: It is our nature—and nature is cruel. Don’t think men are alone in this regard. Women can be just as shallow and callous, we’re just more upfront about it.
Looks matter a lot to men. When we first meet a woman, sexual attraction is far more important than emotional connection. We want to pass our genes, not talk about our feelings.
You need to change your way of thinking.
Think of yourself like a store. Your body is the storefront that gets people in the door. You could be selling some really cool stuff, but nobody is going to enter a place that looks run-down and neglected. The first thing you need to do is loose the weight again. It seems like your slim-downed, bootlicous body got a lot of attention and made for an eye-catching storefront. Maybe nobody has come in and bought anything just yet, but it’s better to have potential customers browsing the window rather than passing it by unnoticed.
The next thing you need to do is stop worrying about the color of your storefront. You can’t change it—it’s a listed building—nor can you change what most shoppers associate with that color. When they first look at your storefront, it reminds them of a generic brand—let’s call it “Chunky Chocolate”. This product is usually delicious and cheap, but experts say it can be bad for your health and doesn’t last long due to bad ingredients.
Now, I know you’re not selling Chunky Chocolate. You’re selling premium, fair-trade, organic cocoa. You tell us your product tastes just as good, has better ingredients, lasts longer, and is even good for you. And that’s cool.
Personally, I love Chunky Chocolate. It’s just as good as Caramel Creme—and even better than Mini Milky Munchies. And if you’re cocoa is as good as you say, I’d be more than willing to try it. But…
the only problem is it’s way too expensive and requires a considerable investment. Furthermore, it’s unsweetened. Like most men, I’ve a sweet tooth. Sure, you offer the sugar as an add-on after I buy, but before you even let me try the finished product, you’re making customers sign a contract saying they can’t shop in any other stores ever again!
Do you see what I’m saying?
Your scaring most of your shoppers off with your strict terms and conditions. That’s your problem. It’s not your race and a more attractive body.
Your product is a niche market. There might be demand out there, but you’re going to make a serious effort to find your customer base.
In your case, I suggest church.
Alternatively, don’t be so hung up on sex before marriage. You’re missing out of one of life’s greatest pleasures.