Are you a Swagabond?

Romantic travel is dead. Gone are the days of the intrepid explorer, those daring adventurers of yesteryear. Through globalisation, satellite technology, and modern communications, few places remain undiscovered in the 21st century. It’s sad to say, but the Age of Exploration has well and truly past.

Or has it?

The Age of Exploration is not dead, but merely migrated to the underworld: the dark side of the great beyond. In this world, much has yet to be discovered – the new mating grounds, the black markets, that ominous street corner or smoky den of iniquity.

Columbus stumbled on new worlds, but where can I find the new girls?

Diaz rounded the Cape of Good Hope, but someone tell me, where is the Cape of Good Dope?

The fearless vagabond is evolving into the swagabond: in search not of new lands, but of new experiences and the taste of exotic ass. You won’t find a new island, so why not chase the dragon in Kabul, light up in Kingstown, or get a backstreet blow job off a ladyboy in Bangkok instead? OK, the latter may not be for everyone, but you get the drift.

Sex, danger and substance abuse…discovering yourself. That’s what travel is about nowadays. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not everything. I also still love trekking through the jungle to find that mystical waterfall, however, it’s even better when bring a local chick, get high and go skinny dipping. Instead of taking a camel through the dessert, I rather rip down those dunes on a quad bike. Rather than learn local phrases like ‘One noodle soup please’ and ‘thank you very much’, I’m more likely to learn phrases like “You dirty slut” or “Do you have a tissue or something?”.  Many women and Zen travellers will tut-tut and snare at my remarks, but the truth is the swagabond gets further under the skin of a country than any of the noodle soup guys.

Speaking of those pricks, here are three groups of travellers that really piss me off…

1. The noodle soup guys, you know who I’m talking about…”I’m just here for the culllllture. I can’t believe you MANIPULATE these poor young girls into bed. That’s explottttation! You should only have sex with accomplished white women your own age! Wah-wah-wah-wah…”Fuck off.
2. Then there are the sheep. Those attention whoring Instagram faggots who only travel to places everybody else does, just to get likes for their Facebook pics. “OMG, look at me! I’m in Thailand, drinking and having fun! I’m cool now, right? Love me! LOOOVEEE ME!!”These dudes travel half way around the world, then eat nothing but fast food and only try it on with chubby white chicks from their own country. Ignorant dopes.
3. Then there are the chained. The idiots who travel to sexual paradises… but bring their girlfriend from back home. I’m sorry, but any guy who brings a fugly homebird to the likes of the Philippines or Brazil is just fucking stupid. It’s like bring a dry ham sandwich to an all-you-can-eat buffet. I just feel sorry for these saps…. who usually realise it until it’s too late, peering around at the local talent while his sweaty mess of a girlfriend is perfuming herself with mosquito spray. I feel you, bro.

Real men fuck local women when they travel, dispersing their genes like nature intended.

So be a Swagabond, not a Fagabond.