LISTEN UP MAGGOT!
So you think you’re hard son?
You think you got what it takes huh?
Y’all tired o’those pansy faggot tourist trails? HUH!?
Well… I hope you know what you got yourselves in fur..
Ok, so maybe you done time… seen some action…
Well guess what?
YOU AIN’T SHIT!
Afghanistan & Irac are for PUSSIES!
Hell I could bring my Gramma there – you gud fur nothin’ yellowbelly BABY KILLERS!
Ever been to the Congo?
… been held at gun point?
… smelt fear after you done shit yourself?
… been rapped by a gang of angry Hutus?
… didn’t think so.
I bet you’ve never even made love to a gorilla tied to a tree.
Well… bout time you tried, ain’t it?
Y’all need to be PREPARED to go in-to-de-CONGO!
WAR ZONE PACKIN’ CHECKLIST
- Volcano insurance. You want everyone callin’ you magma dick? Not in a month of Sundays!
- Mosquito repellent. If you gots malaria you done fur! They got no hospital no how.
- Wacky Tabacey. How do expect to pay fur some moonshine with a million francs that ain’t worth an once of cornbread? You dumb shit.
- Booze and a pack of Marlboro. You planned bribing these folks with a Gareth Brook CD? Fuck you!
- Condoms. These women have been gang-rapped and brutalised. I repeat: Rapped and brutalised. Again and again and again. I guess they figure a stranger in these parts might treat em gud. You know, treat ’em like they ought’a be treated. So do! SHOW EM’ A GOOD TIME BOYS! YEE-HAW!
- Last but not least – My book. Buy my fuckin’ book!
ON SALE NOW! for only 5,000 Ugandan Shillings!
Y’all come back now ya hear!
( You dumb sons of bitches)
Actual pictures we took in the Congo below: