OK, you got me. I haven’t had a monogamous relationship since I was 18. However, recently I was reminded of what it is like. Last week, I had an Omani fly over to spend a week with me (I was her first infidel and obviously made an impression). It was fun, but I basically had to babysit the girl. She slept in my bed, ate with me, and was with me 90% of the time. It felt like we were married or something. I went beta for a week. It was an eye-opener. Here are 10 things I noticed…
1. You watch a lot more movies.
I rarely watch movies or TV—unless it’s something like the latest Bond or Tarantino film—but damn, does having a girl increase your time in front of a screen. I’ve noticed this phenomenon in other relationships amongst my friends and siblings. It makes sense. If you’re spending EVERY night with the same person—especially a girl with limited conversation skills—you end up filling the void with popcorn.
2. You develop unhealthy eating habits.
Most people who enter into relationships gain weight. It has happened so many people known to both you and I— especially when they move in together. Since my brother moved in with his Eastern European girlfriend, he’s ballooned like a walrus. Because you eat together, you end up eating more of the same things. That requires compromise. Compromise = Chinese food and pizza. Unless you have a health conscience girlfriend, you’ll may soon be a double chin away for heart surgery.
3. You become less productive.
Having your ballsack empty morning, noon, and night, kills your boner for everything else in life. You become lazy. Your T-levels drop. You procrastinate. Your dick is like, “Hey, you’re getting laid three times a day. Job done, my friend. Relax.” Men need to achieve status and wealth to attract top-tier mates. Having ass on tap hampers the desire to hunt.
4. You exercise less.
For the same reasons you are less productive, you exercise less. Why build the body of Adonis to attract a mate when you already have one? That’s a waste of time. Wouldn’t you rather watch the latest series of Entourage? The truth is many girls are so insecure, they actively discourage their men from improving the bodies—for fear of increased competition. They don’t want you to better yourself, just to lock you down. Combine this with #2 and you’re on a downward spiral. Soon, the only time you’ll break a sweat is when you’re waddling past the gym trying to make it in time for breakfast at McDonalds.
5. You feel imprisoned.
You can’t do what you want all the time. Want to get high and write music? Go the pub with the lads? Go to Moldova for a week? WAIT. Everything needs to be floated by your chica, who will undoubtedly give you shit—at least if she’s a self-entitled Westerner anyway. Unless you have a nice placid Asian girl or something similar, you are doomed to compromising all your life.
6. You spend more money.
While going out with the lads and casual dating can cost you beer money, that’s nothing compared to having a full-time hag. ‘Real’ dates—like eating out, movies, and the like—cost more. If you’re girl is a traditionalist, you’ll also be paying for shit at least 70% of the time, too. Then of course there’s birthdays, Christmas, Ramadan, Valentines day… the list goes on.
On a side note: Did you know it would cost me at least $20,000 in dowry money to marry a girl from Arabian Gulf? DAM! That’s IF you get permission from the king, that is. No girl is worth that much, unless she shit jewelry that I could use to seduce other women.
7. You miss guy time and guy talk.
Girls take up your time. Realistically, guys would rather spend MORE time with their male friends than their girlfriends. But relationships see the reverse happen. And then, when you’re with your boys, you can’t even have guy talk. Your friend is like…
“Hey, you know that black chick from Saturday who took my number? Yep, fucked her last night—in every orifice—I even tied her up on my homemade torture rack and made call me ‘Master’. Slapped her round a bit too—she loved that shit. Sooo hot. What did you do last night?”
“Watched a movie.”
8. You’re constantly looking over your shoulder.
Other girl messages you on Facebook—hide. Plenty of fish notice—hide. Run a game blog that explicitly details all your filthy sexual encounters with strangers—hide, hide, hide! For fuck sake. That’s no way to live. I couldn’t even log on to the forum or to Returnofkings until my girl was passed out asleep.
9. You’re sexually frustrated.
Even though you’re getting regular sex, you’re STILL frustrated passing up strange. And if you live with your girlfriend, it’s REALLY hard to bring back other women and have sex with them. Girlfriends don’t like that for some reason. Men are not meant to be monogamous! You want to bone everything, but you can’t. An opportunity presents itself—too bad. It’s gruel for you again today. Enjoy.
10. Sex can get less exciting.
This is a given if you’re humping the same thing, day in, day out. However, you can mix it up. I got my Omani girl to bring over her abaya, scarf and niqab (that’s the ninja-style Muslim outfit). We spend the whole day walking around the mall in it, inviting all sorts of stares from locals. I felt like a powerful overlord or something. And then, when we got home I ravaged her ninja ass while she kept it on. I even got a blow job under the veil. It was fatwahlicious! But I don’t want to get that creative every day. Finding a new piece of tail is far easier and more exciting.