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Are you a Swagabond?

Romantic travel is dead. Gone are the days of the intrepid explorer, those daring adventurers of yesteryear. Through globalisation, satellite technology, and modern communications, few places remain undiscovered in the 21st century. It’s sad to say, but the Age of Exploration has well and truly past.

Or has it?

The Age of Exploration is not dead, but merely migrated to the underworld: the dark side of the great beyond. In this world, much has yet to be discovered – the new mating grounds, the black markets, that ominous street corner or smoky den of iniquity.

Columbus stumbled on new worlds, but where can I find the new girls?

Diaz rounded the Cape of Good Hope, but someone tell me, where is the Cape of Good Dope?

The fearless vagabond is evolving into the swagabond: in search not of new lands, but of new experiences and the taste of exotic ass. You won’t find a new island, so why not chase the dragon in Kabul, light up in Kingstown, or get a backstreet blow job off a ladyboy in Bangkok instead? OK, the latter may not be for everyone, but you get the drift.

Sex, danger and substance abuse…discovering yourself. That’s what travel is about nowadays. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not everything. I also still love trekking through the jungle to find that mystical waterfall, however, it’s even better when bring a local chick, get high and go skinny dipping. Instead of taking a camel through the dessert, I rather rip down those dunes on a quad bike. Rather than learn local phrases like ‘One noodle soup please’ and ‘thank you very much’, I’m more likely to learn phrases like “You dirty slut” or “Do you have a tissue or something?”.  Many women and Zen travellers will tut-tut and snare at my remarks, but the truth is the swagabond gets further under the skin of a country than any of the noodle soup guys.

Speaking of those pricks, here are three groups of travellers that really piss me off…

  1. The noodle soup guys, you know who I’m talking about…”I’m just here for the culllllture. I can’t believe you MANIPULATE these poor young girls into bed. That’s explottttation! You should only have sex with accomplished white women your own age! Wah-wah-wah-wah…”Fuck off.
  2. Then there are the sheep. Those attention whoring Instagram faggots who only travel to places everybody else does, just to get likes for their Facebook pics. “OMG, look at me! I’m in Thailand, drinking and having fun! I’m cool now, right? Love me! LOOOVEEE ME!!”These dudes travel half way around the world, then eat nothing but fast food and only try it on with chubby white chicks from their own country. Ignorant dopes.
  3. Then there are the chained. The idiots who travel to sexual paradises… but bring their girlfriend from back home. I’m sorry, but any guy who brings a fugly homebird to the likes of the Philippines or Brazil is just fucking stupid. It’s like bring a dry ham sandwich to an all-you-can-eat buffet. I just feel sorry for these saps…. who usually realise it until it’s too late, peering around at the local talent while his sweaty mess of a girlfriend is perfuming herself with mosquito spray. I feel you, bro.

Real men fuck local women when they travel, dispersing their genes like nature intended.

So be a Swagabond, not a Fagabond.



17 Responses to Are you a Swagabond?

  1. freshcream January 19, 2013 at 12:24 am #

    haha, this made chuckle so much 😛

    Good stuff!

    I’ve met many of this kind….

    This thinking is what has made me quit hostel for aparments and longer stays…

  2. Ruxman January 19, 2013 at 12:31 am #

    Hahaha, This post built up like a rollercoaster man. I need to thank you for calling out the ‘noodle soup guys’. They piss me off, they make up a large portion of travellers and they sort of mix with the ‘chained’. I like food but when I’m travelling and my mojo is working pussy makes any other travel experience seem diluted and weak in comparison. fuck the exotic food, didn’t travel from halfway round the world for food, grab a quick pizza and go sarging.

  3. JJ Roberts January 19, 2013 at 2:04 am #


  4. David January 19, 2013 at 2:53 am #

    Actually, I love discovering new cultures, meeting new people and new girls at the same time… but I like pussy as much as the next man. So I guess I am that noodle-soup guy but it goes along with not being controlled by your dick 😉

  5. Vorkuta January 19, 2013 at 12:30 pm #


  6. Ali S January 19, 2013 at 12:46 pm #

    Wow, is this guy really calling out on others for attention-whoring?

  7. P January 19, 2013 at 1:05 pm #

    Hmmm… Reminds me of this:

  8. Ali S January 19, 2013 at 1:14 pm #

    “Disperse your genes as nature intended”? Wait, do you actually blow your load bareback into them? Any idea how many mixed-race bastards your STD-ridden Irish twig has fathered? On a serious note, from which country were the girls in which you raw dogged your baby-sauce?

  9. Rick91 January 19, 2013 at 2:21 pm #

    I missed out on machu pichu because of my dick. It would have been cool to have gone and i will do someday. But i had to choose between ruins and 4 girls vaginas one of whom let me in their ass too. Incan pussy won.

  10. polo January 19, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

    chasin the dragon in kabul will lead you to the taliban…wouldnt recommend it….visit the hard countrys last….while youre young hit up the fun ones llike latin america

    but totally agree with on tourists for whatever reason only doing the mainstream things they do at home instead of goin native…thats the whole point on travelin

    careful who u say fuck off too mate….poor nations u can get away with murder

  11. Ozzy January 20, 2013 at 12:18 am #


  12. Brian Mark January 20, 2013 at 6:10 pm #

    I just got back from Thailand. First, I saw your book at used bookstore on Khao San Rd in Bangkok.

    I agree w/ your thoughts 100%. I met a lot of sheep. Most of these guys were too busy getting drunk to notice women. The ones that did were always hitting on fat Western women. When I told these guys I only dated the locals they were shocked. Like “I didn’t know you could do that.”

    I see all the time, the Western guys bringing their old fat cows to Philippines or Thailand with them. While I’m with a petite beauty they have their fat cow to feed and dictate to them what they can do!

  13. David January 22, 2013 at 11:40 am #

    I am glad to say I do not fall in any of those categories as my first trip overseas involved Serbia, Hungary, Balkans and Ukraine (Palata Nomer Shest!!). Given I did go to the tourist countries first but that shit is over now.

    Btw the one place I am waiting to hear you visit the most is Afghanistan. When do you think you will go?

  14. Jigglebilly January 24, 2013 at 12:42 am #

    Well that was different, and hilarious.

    Good luck in Somalia. Take lots of pictures.

  15. CallMeJudas January 25, 2013 at 8:39 am #

    lol .. this made my day .. ali s .. just shut up

  16. PussyHoundontheDole February 6, 2013 at 12:28 pm #

    Probably a fetish of mine, but I always enjoy fucking tourist women more than the locals. Can’t say why. Just the thought of fucking a tourist girl shakes my nervous system the right way. Tourist girls always seem more interesting and down to business than the locals.

  17. Wonky February 7, 2013 at 11:01 am #

    Don’t get it. Most of the time you seem really cool, open-minded and insightful, but then you go and spew some hate like this..

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