Malta in a word: Underrated.

Chance of Hooking up: 4 / 5
Quality of Girls: 3.75 / 5
Smoking tolerance level: 3 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: €2.50 for a pint in nightclub.
Bed: €15 for a private room.
Bud: €15 for an 1/8
Board: €7 for a main course.
Budget other: If you stay in Silema or Valletta, prepare to shell out for taxis every night. Stay in St. Juilians or Paceville, trust me.
Currency Conversion

Overview

Malta surprises you. Even on a lonely Monday in quiet November, the nightlife is still rockin’ until the early hours. Not only is it one of the hottest places in all of Europe, it’s cheap to get to and even cheaper to hang out in. Add some rustic charm, a sea view and some sexy Maltese chicks and you’ve got all the ingredients for a fantastic getaway. Malta’s just great!

The Girls

I rate Maltese girls 3.7.5/5 overall, but if you are in Paceville on the weekend this moves up to a 4.5, with generally high standard. Without hyperbole, over 90% of women are in short skirts at this time, and it’s hard to handle. As for looks, the population has similar features to Italians, with dark features, great hip to waist ratios and decent sized breasts. In contrast, they are slightly smaller and perhaps not quite as liberal. Maltese people are very affectionate and people often hang out in large groups. The guys exhibit serious machismo so you will need to be more alpha than usual to compete. Expect to get cockblocked a lot. Maltese girls require a bit of work, but they are well worth it. With such obstacles, why do I rate the chance of hooking up so highly? Well here’s the thing – if the locals aren’t biting, there is an abundance of sexy expats on offer. Expect to meet plenty of resident Romanians, Baltic babes, Russians and a few Brazilians. In terms of tourists, expect lots of Western Europeans, Scandinavians and a the odd Koreans or Aussie. There’s something for everyone in Malta!

Check it:

To see more pictures of sexy Maltese girls click here.

Another blogger writes about the local girls in The Maltese Tease.

Nightlife Recommendations

First off, nearly all of the nightlife is concentrated in a place called Paceville. This is where you need to be. Everywhere is in close proximity to each other so it’s easy to bounce from place to place. Here are some spots you will undoubtedly end up in:

Hugos & Native Bar

Both bars are beside each other. Consistently busy with a central location. Plenty of girls and chart music. Both smoking areas are decent for approaching too. Success was had in both these spots.

Coconuts

This rock bar is my favourite place on the weekends. Great music, laid-back kinky chicks and 25 shooters for €15. If that wasn’t good enough it’s a great place for pick. I consistently pulled several girls a night here.

Havana

Everyone ends up in this club. It’s not exactly inspiring, but it’s busy nearly every night and doesn’t shut up shop until 4AM. Weekdays are great, especially Wednesday, but avoid during the weekend – it’s a cockfest. We had no trouble plundering plenty of chicas in this club on the quieter nights.

*Note: A all right warm up place is Pulse – purely because you can sit outside, smoke hukkah and watch all the talent go by..

Getting High

I found mixed opinions in Malta as to how serious the police take ganja. Apparently it’s just a fine, but some say they will arrest you. I found more info on Marijuana use in Malta here.

My fellow shipmate “Genocide Glen” managed to score some medium grade hashish by befriending a local guy, but he had to drive halfway across the island to get it! He got an 1/8 for €15.

My Malta Experience

I’ve been to Malta twice and LOVED it both times. Check out my stories:

You need to read my last post, The Siege of Malta!

Also my most recent exploits:  Malta Reloaded.

Why not check out more cheeky City Guides?

The Mission: Capture my Maltese flag, in style.

I hit the ground cold and I had a week.

Dressed as a Leprechaun Pirate, I stormed the island with my new crew: Genocide Glen, Pillaging Paul & Cut-throat Killian. Many women fell prey to our charms but I wasn’t interested in just a flag. Any man can put one to his mast if mounted by a chubby chica or a prawn; I wasn’t here to trawl. These opposing paradigms are well summed up in an article by Atlas Al: Flag hunter vs Flag collector.

On Form, the pick up:

I wanted quality. Sometime that comes easy when you’re on form.

I found it – a sexy Maltese cutie weighting only 48 kgs, and that included her breast implants. I got her number in a nightclub and we agreed to meet again. She left. Things continued to go well. That very night I made out with a married Maltese girl, her best friend (on the sly), an Italian and then got taken home by a beautiful Indian Aussie.

Day 1, a fearsome test:

The next meet up with my Maltese cutie was behind enemy lines. She was attending a private party in some upper class club, a pretentious affair concocted for a single launch, some electro progressive bullshit. My friends bolted and left me to my own devices.

Her circle was a mix of models, rich kids and socialites with delusions of eloquence.The scene was decorated by designer couture and Louis Vuitton handbags. Then there was me… the idiotic Irish guy with the ridiculous hat wielding a toy sword!

The minute my date left for the bathroom, I was immediately shunned from the group. Two guys came over, turned their backs and formed a wall of penis, rendering me an outcast. I tried to open her guy friends, I was amoged. I tried to open her girlfriends, I was cockblocked. I looked like the biggest sap in the room. My girl was about to return and my perceived social value was so low I was doomed to a night of frustrated wanking. Welcome to loserville.

I thought to myself, “What would a real man do in this scenario?”.

I could go to the bar… not good enough.

I could go the toilet… like a fucking pussy.

No, I stepped up to plate and went straight up to five other women, opening an entire new set. My costume provided me with a hook point and one of the girls began flirting with me. Just at that moment, my dainty date emerged from the bathroom to see me the centre of attention amongst a group of beautiful women. The timing was perfect. I pretend not to notice her. I sense her approaching my back, I feel a tug on my shirt. The woman was marking her territory. I love a good jealously plotline. I had completely turned the situation around.

Rather then go back to her chilly clique, I bid her adieu and told her I’d text her. In all honesty, I didn’t expect the interaction to go much further…

Day 2, lock down.

No need to text. I turn on my phone at 2 pm and the texts come in. She wanted to meet, asap. I had another date at midnight so we meet at 7pm.  By 10 I was indulging in my sweet little Maltese sex machine. I don’t usually give too much detail, but I will say she was incredible, someone I clicked with on many levels. After my third orgasm I released I missed my second date, but I didn’t care.

The next day I ended up back here in Ireland.

The siege of Malta was complete!

This post is continued from Part 1, so backtrack if you haven’t seen it already. The following destinations were chosen based on roughly the same criteria I used for my Top 10 Destinations in South East Asia. In short - charm, girls and fun; I aim to be objective is this regard. So let’s go…

Naughty Nomad’s

Top 5 Destinations in the Balkans

 

5. Belgrade, Serbia

 

What’s its Charm?
Belgrade has some really nice pedestrian streets and a stroll up to Kalemegdan fortress is truly romantic, especially under snow fall.

What’s Fun?
The drinks are cheap and the nightlife is legendary throughout Eastern Europe.

And the Girls?
There are more blondes here than other parts of the Balkans. If that’s your thing here’s the place to be!

Bottom line: A walk around Kalemegdan and the famed nightlife gets this place on the list.

4. Skopje, Macedonia

What’s its Charm?
A cute old town, cheap beer and friendly locals.

What’s Fun?
Everynight here is good criac! Weed and women are plentiful.

And the Girls?
I love Macedonian girls, easily the friendliest in the region.  See my Skopje city guide for a full breakdown.

Bottom line: Check it out.

3. Sarajevo, Bosnia & Herzegovina

What’s its Charm?
Old town rocks!!! The Muslim influence is very visible.

What’s Fun?
Just hanging out, smoking sheesha and soaking up the atmosphere of Stari Grad (old town). The nightlife here is insane, the weekend’s here are actually too crazy. See link below.

And the Girls?
Varied, in a good way. See my Sarajevo city guide for a full breakdown.

Bottom line: One of the coolest cities in all of Europe.

2. Hvar Island, Croatia

What’s its Charm?
It’s a beautiful island on the Dalmatian coast, need I say more?

What’s Fun?
This is the NUMBER 1 party spot on the Adriactic. Expect to go to bed when the sun comes up. There is also plenty of watersports and things to do.

And the Girls?
Expect to get laid. Check out my Hvar Island guide for a full breakdown.

Bottom line: Avoid in low season. Come here is want to seriously rip it up. I loved it.

1. Montenegro

What’s its Charm?
Move over Tallin, Montenegro shits over anything I’ve seen in Europe. To try and describe the beauty of places like Kotor and Budva is futile. You need to come here. This country had me speechless.

What’s Fun?
Not only is Montenegro visibly awesome, a trip to Budva will have you raving. This an Eastern European party mecca! Click link below.

And the Girls?
Wow. Girls from all of EE come here… Like Hvar, take your pick! Quality is even better here. Check out my Budva city guide for a full breakdown.

Bottom line: It’s Naughty Nomad’s number 1 for a reason. GO! On that note, I suspect low season might be a bit sedated if you’re looking to party.

Here’s a list of ALL my Eastern European city guides:

Athens, Greece

Bucharest, Romania

Budapest, Hungary

Budva, Montenegro

Chisinau, Moldova

Dubrovnik, Croatia

Hvar, Croatia

Kiev, Ukraine

Minsk, Belarus

Ohrid, Macedonia

Pristina, Kosovo

Riga, Latvia

Sarajevo, Bosnia and Herzegovina

Skopje, Macedonia

Tallinn, Estonia

Tirana, Albania

Thessaloniki, Greece

Zadar, Croatia

Apologies to you guys. I haven’t posted in a week.

Why? You ask.

Well I’ve been too busy partying and chasing women in Malta with Mr.Killian. We have both bedded, but the locals are Mal-teasing me with only k-closes so far (update: flag captured). In the meantime, I’ve prepared a little vid for you guys.

Inspired by a few videos by Roosh V,  I decided to dabble with Xtra-normal movie maker.

This is an actual re-enactment of an experience I had with an American girl when I tended bar in Dublin. She looked good and she knew it so I destroyed her cocky ass with an apocalypse  neg. I don’t usually use negs and don’t really like to insult girls the first time I meet them, but in this scenario, it worked. Enjoy!

ANNOUNCEMENT: For those of you who don’t know, I’m going to Malta for a week on Monday. I will give you guys a full breakdown of the island

Back to business…

After two excursions I have officially completed the Balkans. Whether it be winter or summer (I’ve done both), this region is still a great place to visit.

Why?

The beer is cheap, the girls are stunning and there are plenty of great locations to experience. The Balkans (aka South East Europe) is generally considered to consist of 9 countries:

• Albania
• Bosnia & Herzegovina
• Bulgaria
• Croatia
• Greece
• Kosovo
• Macedonia
• Montenegro
• Serbia

Ok, you’ve seen the line up, so first of all let me give you a run down of the girls and then I will offer my top 5 destination picks in part 2.

Balkan Girls & The Balkan Drift

There are a few things you will notice about the region…

• The hottest chicks are in Greece and Bulgaria.
• The easiest places to get laid are the ones off the beaten track; the ones that come to mind are Macedonia and Bosnia & Herzegovina.
• If you like blondes, go to Serbia.
• The further south you go, the darker the skin. Greek chicks have beautiful olive complexions, Serbians are lighter.
• Generally,  the further West you go, the taller and more curvy the women. The further east you go the smaller the waist line. There is a big difference between a Croat and a Bulgarian. Personally, I prefer the slimmer Balkan babes.

From my observations, I have produced what I call the Balkan drift, a graphical representation showing trends in sexyiness on the peninsula.

The theory is the further south-west you go, the hotter the girls get. Epicentres of hotness occur in hot spots like Athens and Sofia, also in holiday destinations like Budva, Montenegro and the Black sea in Bulgaria.

Part 2: I  reveal My TOP 5 DESTINATIONS IN THE BALKANS

 

Snapshots are mini town/city guides for smaller places or cities I have only experienced briefly. Here’s a little snapshot of Zadar.

What are one’s first impressions of Zadar?

Surprisingly pleasant. The old town is very agreeable and the prices are WAY lower than southern Croatia. You might as well be in a different country.

What are the women like?

This is my third post on a Croatia so I have already aired my view on the local talent. I will say that women in Zadar are considerably more friendlier than their fellow countrywomen from the likes of Dubrovnik and Split. For a more detailed breakdown on Croatian women check out my guides on Dubrovnik and Hvar Island. Mr. Killian has a dedicated post on Cute Croatian girls.

Where should I go at night-time?

Stari Grad and it’s surroundings offer a decent nightlife. If you like the kinky type, I strongly recommend starting off in Kantun rock bar. Where to after that? Avoid City Club, it’s awful. You need to check out Maraschino, a slick disco bar packed with pretty young things and a great place to pick up girls; two out of three of us closed here. Both Kantun and Maraschino are highly recommended.

*Another source cites Arsenal as a great spot for live music and dancing.

Any other recommendations?

Book well in advance for accommodation. There is one hostel in old town, and it only has 4 beds. We end up 10 minutes away by taxi, not cool. Plan ahead. Ryanair offer cheap flights to Zadar.

The Bottom Line

Better than Dubrovnik.

Snapshots are mini town/city guides for smaller places or cities I have only experienced briefly. Here’s a little snapshot of Ohrid.

What are one’s first impressions of Ohrid?

Purty. Ohrid’s old town and lake view provide quite a splendid backdrop for a few days of leisure. It’s a tourist town so the population fluctuates dramatically depending on the time of year. September was a nice time to visit, but I would say peak season is electric in terms of nightlife.

What are the women like?

There are loads of tourists here and a large proportion of them are local.  I have nothing but good things to say about Macedonian girls, but Ohrid hosts it’s fair share of posers from other countries. Regardless, most of the women here are still hot and super approachable. While I had some success here, all in all I much prefer Skopje for girls.

Where should I go at night-time?

Try avoid going to any club near the resorts, they are miles away. There are a few really good bars west of the town square. Check out Lizard, this is the place for girls. If it’s too crazy in there head to Jazz inn or Castros. The rules change in July and August as there are a lot more options. The Jazz café (different for the Jazz in) tends to open late and attract a more sophisticated clientèle.

Any other recommendations?

Take a stroll and get lost west of the town square. If you ascend some steps near the old church, you’ll eventually stumble upon an isolated run down balcony overlooking the Ohrid port and the lake. Light one up and enjoy the view.

The Bottom Line

A wonderful place to holiday. Go in the summer months.

Snapshots are mini town/city guides for smaller places or cities I have only experienced briefly. Here’s a little snapshot of Thessaloniki.

What are one’s first impressions of Thessaloniki?

Not as pretty as Athens, but a hell of a lot cheaper. The city receives a lot less tourists so people seem friendlier. If this is your first stop in Greece, I’m sure the first thing you will notice is the local talent.

What are the women like?

The standard in Greece is a bit ridiculous, they are a truly scrumptious race.  If that tanned med look doesn’t get you going maybe this will: in this authors experience the girls of Thessaloniki are game like nowhere else. They have no problem making out with you in record time if you no how to woe them (this city inspired me to write my 10 second k-close post). Take the relaxed attitude, compound that with a good command of English and plenty of skin on show, I’m sure your hormones will be working overload. What I like about this city is the amount of rock/ emo /alternative chicks on the street. Guys, this city is fantastic for women.

Where should I go at night-time?

If you like young beautiful women, go to the Kamara district. Apart from all the bars on offer, there is a park near the university where hundreds of rock chicks and kinky cuties hang out for all night parties on the cheap. While we were there, a huge party was also happening outdoors on the university grounds. Kamara is the business.

Any other recommendations?

Get a private room near Kamara. Not only is this where the nightlife is, it’s also a historical centre. In Kamara, everyone buys cheap drinks at Kiosks. You should do the same. If you want to seriously increase your chances of getting some sexy Greek ass, provide weed. Pick some up in Skopje if you’re arriving from the north.

The Bottom Line

Way more fun than Athens. This is place to slay a Greek.

Hvar in a word: Seasonal.

Chance of Hooking up: 4 / 5
Quality of Girls: 3.5 / 5
Smoking tolerance level: 3.5 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: Up to €4 for a 250ml bottle.
Bed: €12-15 for a private room.
Bud: €5 per gram.
Board: €10 for a main course.
Budget other: Apart from being generally expensive, there are all-night parties on a nearby island that stretch the budget. It costs a few blips for the boat. Sun beds cost around a fiver for the day.
Currency Conversion

Overview

Hvar island is exactly what it says on the tin – the biggest party destination on the Dalmatian coast! It’s scenic, relaxed and great fun. It’s relatively pricey for the region, but it’s a wonderful place to hang out for a few days. On that note, there is absolutely no point in coming here outside the June to mid-September window.

The Girls

The local population here is insignificant, but girls from all over come the island to let loose.  Self-proclaimed zen travelers would hate this place, but for us naughty nomads it’s a fucking goldmine. Italians, Scandinavians, English, Irish, Aussies, North Americans & Eastern Europeans are all the menu. There is also a few models that come in on the yachts. Croatian girls are also present, but they are the minority. Go to Northern Croatia or Split if you’re determined to get a local honey. There is no particular Croatian “look” but in general the girls are tall and dress really well. They’re also a little more curvy compared to other Eastern Europeans. But back on getting laid… Don’t bother with day game, there is plenty of options at night. Separate yourself from the crowd, peacock a little. Standard rules apply, get your energy levels pumping for a ton of approaches. Give yourself a few days and you will leave here with a big smile on your face. Click the following link for some Croatian inspiration.

Nightlife Recommendations

Carpe Diem

The undisputed heavyweight in town. Good layout and great cocktails, but expensive. It’s a bit snobbish but nonetheless attracts a lot of talent.

Kiva

A lot less pretentious than Carpe Diem, and smaller. Personally, I prefer this place. If you want to pick up some local Croatians, this bar is much better. Furthermore, it has a real party atmosphere and outside is perfect for chatting up strangers. Make sure you order a “helmet” for the criac.

Veneranda

When everywhere else closes, this club is just getting started. This place is seriously impressive. In September is was like a hermit’s house party, but in peak season this place is electric. You will undoubtedly end up here, this is were all the nubile singles end up. Go get em!

Getting High (courtesy of webehigh.com)

Nomad’s input: Get it in Split before you hit Hvar. We got sorted out by some local girls there. Everyone goes to a beach called “the fuckadrome” to smoke.

Legislation: Illegal. Cultivating, selling and owning.
THC related products are illegal in Croatia and they are equal to harder drugs by the law.

Law enforcement: Cops got to deal with other issues in Croatia. At home, nothing will happen. Outside, be a bit more careful.( Don’t go around trying to make everyone see you’re high or something.) From news coverage and general statements from police etc., you can obtain that the cops are more worried about the big dealers rather than the smaller consumers.

Where to buy marijuana: This is the problem. Do NOT walk up to any guy that looks like a gangster/pusher or anything, you might well end up being robbed. Best thing is just asking someone you know or you’ve had to do with.

Marijuana prices: Not as low as in India or something, but if you have to pay as much as in the US or Western Europe, you’re being ripped off.

More information: It is unlikely that you’re offered hash, and if you are, chances are that it sucks ass. Marijuana is what you wanna go with in Croatia. If you got the choice, reject hash.

My Hvar Experience

I was here 3 nights with 3 other amigos during the Siege of the Adriatic. The first night it was buzzin’, but the other two nights it was dead. It was the end of September and the place was on its last legs. Nonetheless, I was on form and managed to take down two hotties and get two new flags. One was a sexy Cypriot Aussie in Veneranda (where the ratio was easily 80% male I might add). Quite a feat, but that was nothing compared to the last night. No shit, there was only 4 women out and at least 50 guys. Bottom line, I went home with the hottest girl there; a testament to Mystery peacocking theory. She was a smoking hot Welsh naturalist who currently lives in a nudist community, nice. I make it sound like I’m Mr. Smooth, but it was actually quite a challenge so if you don’t mind “toot toot”. As for my amigos, during the course of the 3 days, two of them pillaged a pair of lassies eager for some pirate lovin’. All in all, Hvar left a most favourable impression and gets the big thumbs up! If one was to return, it would certainly not be on the fringes of peak season but rather in the thick of the action in July. Head my words and enjoy!

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