Ever wanted a real adventure?

A journey that tested you to the limit, got your heart racing, made you feel alive?

A great adventure is all about risk, danger and excitement. Alas, in a world where “off the beaten track” is somewhere with two hotels and guided tours, where is the action really at?

I’m not talking about backpacking around Eastern Europe, or driving around Australia. I’m talking about REAL adventure, overlanding across entire continents and the world’s most hostile environments. Here are my last great adventures, journeys prescribed for only the ballsiest, suicidal nut jobs there is.

TOP 3 JUNGLE JOURNEYS

1. Cross Papua New Guinea (by foot)

Danger Rating : 3.5/5

Your mission: With no road connecting one side of PNG to the other, you have two choices: Fly or Walk. Do a survival course, choose you route and take a chance. PNG one of the least westernised and explored countries in the world. With over 600 languages, hostile tribes and rumors of cannibalism, a trek in the jungle here is no picnic. I plan to walk from Port Moresby to Lae some day.

Highlights: Incredible scenery, party in the cities, bragging rights.

WARNINGS: Malaria, starvation, cannibals and hostile tribes.

2. The Deep Amazon

Danger Rating : 4/5

Your mission: Get from Peru to Manuas in Brazil. That’s where the action is – the border area boasts unexplored jungle, isolated tribes and treacherous river journeys. You’ll be entering Brazil illegally -but who cares? Build yourself a raft just go with the flow. It will be awhile until you reach civilization so bring provisions and take a survival course. Good luck!

Highlights: The sounds and sights of the Amazon.

WARNINGS: Piranhas, Jaguars,  starvation & poison darts/ arrows by angry natives.

3. Navigating the Congo River

Danger Rating : 5/5

Your mission: Come back alive. The Congo is a shit storm of violence, rape and tribal wars. Unknown species, constant payouts and more danger than you can handle awaits. Enter from Uganda, avoid getting shot in Kivu and join the river all the way to the capital. Our trip to Kivu was the biggest rush of my life.

Highlights: Stories to last a life time, blood diamonds, horny Congo chicks.

WARNINGS: LOTS! Kivu is a red zone. Travel “permits” are needed for certain areas. Being killed, robbed or arrested are real possibilities. Bring a lot of cash for bribes.

5 EXTREME OVERLAND TRIPS

4. Panamericana

Danger Rating : 2 /5

Your mission: Cross North and South America from top to Bottom. This is the ultimate road trip.

Highlights: Latin women, diverse terrain and bragging rights.

WARNINGS: Panama to Colombia requires you take a ferry.

5. Cairo to Cape Town

Danger Rating : 3.5 /5 (4.5 with a nip into Somalia and Congo)

Your mission: Travel the entire African continent overland from top to bottom. I’ve tried this one – strongly recommended.

Highlights: Too many to name. The Nubian pyramids in Sudan, Ethiopian women and bungee jumping over Vic falls are serious highlights! Finish with a dive with great whites in Cape Town.

WARNINGS: Hot spots – Darfur, Congo, Somalia and the Kenya-Ethiopia border.

6. Casablanca to Cape Town

Danger Rating : 3.5 /5

Your mission: Top to Bottom. Like Cairo to Cape town but from the other side.

Highlights: Sex with Voodoo chicks, plenty of danger and hardcore travel.

WARNINGS: Bribery, robbery and AIDS.

7. Senegal to Somalia (Trans-Sahara)

Danger Rating : 4.5 /5

Your mission: Get from the Atlantic to the Indian ocean via Central Africa. It can be done, but avoiding conflict is not an option. Start off in Senegal and head into Mali, Niger & Chad. Bureaucracy will be nightmare for Sudan, but the south may be accessible via the Central African Republic. You will need to bribe the North Sudanese as you have no “travel permit”. We had none when travelling to some areas, but avoided jail. Finish in Somaliland for good measure.

Highlights: You get to visit some of the least visited places in the world. The Sahara awaits…

WARNINGS: You will be in bandit country and active war zones.

8. The Southern Silk Road

Danger Rating : 4.5 /5

Your mission: Get from Istanbul, Turkey to Xian, China. Take the Southern silk route, this route features Iran, Afghanistan and Pakistan. Throw in northern Iraq for extra thrills.

Note: The Khyber pass is currently closed. Get out of Afghanistan via Tajikistan and gain entry to China that way.

Highlights: Smoking Opium in an Afghan poppy field, growing a beard.

WARNINGS: Terrorism, kidnapping, warzones and no beer.

EARTH’S EXTREMES

9. The Poles

Danger Rating : na

Your mission: Save up a shit load of money.

The north pole won’t be around for long so I’d hurry. The Pole can only be reached on expeditions specifically mounted for the purpose. Make your way Svalbard, Norway. It can be reached by a combination of air/water transport and then skiing the rest of the way.  Your looking at €10,000 -€13,000

Regarding the South Pole: Covering the full 1170km from coast to Pole involves an estimated 65 days of skiing, for about 7-9 hours a day, hauling a sled weighing 110-130 lbs (50-60 kg), and the price for the privilege is US$59,000. Alternatively, you can cheat and fly halfway there with the “Ski the Last Degree” package, in which case you’ll ski for only about two weeks and pay a mere US$38,500.

I managed to get to Antarctica pretty cheap. Head to Ushuaia in Argentina.

Highlights: Life time achievement, iceberg safari.

WARNINGS: Froze-bite, waking up 3,000 in the future being ruled by an alien race.

10. Mt. Everest

Danger Rating : 4.5 /5

Your mission: Climb the highest mountain in the world – no biggy. You need about three years to train with no experience. Most trips start in Kathmandu, Nepal. Go in May. A low-budget attempt at the summit will still set up back $25,000 ($10,000 for the permit).

Highlights: You came, you saw, you conquered. With that incredible view comes the title of “Legend”. You will the talk of every party, men will admire you and women will desire you.

WARNINGS: Over 200 people have died trying this, you could be one of  them! At least you went out in style.

Got any other ones?

Leave a comment!

Ever think of giving your dick a break?

Even the noble penis requires time to rest and reflect. To look back at his accomplishments, his drunken failures, his scars. He thinks about the future too. After all, he’s got a message the whole world needs to know about.  Without him, you a shell; a robot doomed to cease genetically.  The fucker knows such things and uses his influence wisely. Sometimes, he takes control and you become a Cockzombie.

A Cockzombie is a single man who only ever thinks of sex. “Ssseeeexxxx, Need Ssseeexxxx.” is often uttered to those experiencing “the change”. Most Cockzombies start to experience the change when they have been exposed to copious amounts of amazing sex abroad and return home to poor quality prudes. As a result, even when very short dry spells occur slowly “the change” happens. Eventually one becomes a Cockzombie. Cockzombies actions are controlled by a parasite in their pants and display minimum cerebral function. Often, the only cure is a fuck buddy or a vacation.

Have you thought about giving up orgasms for a prolonged period of time?

For the last 28 days I’ve been orgasm free.

I’ve refused sex.

I’ve haven’t even had a cheeky tug.

My cojones have reached maximum capacity.

I even get turned on potting plants. Even things like jam.

Why did I choose to go on strike?

Control. My libido was calling all the shots. I had become…. a Cockzombie. I needed a cure.

What happened during the 28 days

I went back and forward between being crazy horny to rejecting sex.

Is it worth not cumming for a whole month just for one ultimate orgasm?

Last night drowning in selfish Ecstasy, I would have said yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. In retrospect, that’s enough for me; a month is a fucking long time.

What have I learned in this period?

There’s no point fucking some girl if you wake up the next day ashamed; with lower self-esteem. We’ve all done it. If you feel you deserve a quality woman, don’t except anything less. Just because it’s offer to you on a plate, it’s doesn’t mean you have to eat it.

But then again…

Fancy a rush?

Let’s face it, danger is a turn on.

Here are my Top 5 locations for a dance with danger.

If you are considering visiting any of the places below I recommend you read my WAR ZONE SAFETY GUIDE.

5. Iraq

Needless to say, parts of Iraq are pretty unstable due to the war. That said, any backpacker can cruise into Kurdistan in the North from Turkey without any hassle. Ethnic tensions remain high, but it’s the only option for backpackers. It’s supposedly dangerous but I have a friend who travelled there earlier this year (2010). Mosul is the place to be, but venturing south can get you in serious shit. If you are American, maybe you should avoid this country.

4. Tribal Areas, Pakistan

The swat valley and surrounding areas are currently experiencing an insurgency. Extremists allied to the Taliban and Al-Qeada are not exactly pro-western and backpacking is not recommended. That said, a cunning disguise and some words of the local language could provide you with safe passage. As of March 2010, the dramatic Khyber border pass to Afghanistan is closed. Buy hey, it’s not all bad – Why not check to an open arms bazaar and get yourself a Bazooka? It would make a great Facebook pic!

3. Kivu, D.R Congo

The UN classify Kivu as a major conflict zone. Guerillas, gang rape and volcanoes await. The Hutus, the LRA, the Congolese army and other rebel groups make for a great welcoming party. I went here in 2007 and it was the most thrilling experience of my life. But my tales from the Congo are for another time. A bit of French or Swahili is helpful. Bring cash.

2. Southern Provinces, Afghanistan

Similar to Pakistan, anti- western sentiment remains high. Many Taliban strongholds exist in the south. The roads from Herat to Kandahar and similarly Kandahar to Baghdad are said to be the most dangerous on earth. Sounds like good fun! I recommend Pashtun attire, growing a beard and learning Dari. Visas are easily obtains in Mashhad, Iran.

AND THE NUMBER 1 SPOT GOES TO…

1. Somalia & Puntland

Puntland is not so bad. Privacy, kidnapping and corruption is rife but parts are relatively safe and accessible from Somali-land. South Somalia is a controlled by various factions from warlords,forces loyal to the intern “government” and Al-Shabab. This is the number one place in world to go if you want to get killed or held to random. Zoom in on the capital Mogadishu in Google Earth and you will see what I’m talking about. If you want to visit, I recommend learning Arabic or Somali, learning about Islam and pretending you are there for Jihad.  KILL THOSE FUCKING INFIDELS!

Kuta in a word: Party!

Chance of Hooking up: 4.5 / 5
Quality of Girls: 3.5 / 5
Smoking tolerance level: 2.5 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: Around  €1 for a bintang.
Bed: €5 for the cheapest private room
Bud: €5 per gram
Board: €2-3 for most meals.
Budget other: Rent a moto and see the real Bali.
Currency Conversion

Overview

Some say Bali is too touristy, uninspiring and over-rated. BULLSHIT. Bali is the business (at least for a few days). Beaches, babes and cheap cocktails; what more could you want? Kuta is the island’s premier destination for night-life and it certainly doesn’t disappoint.

 

The Girls

Bali is a suburb for women. You have lots of options in terms of ethnic groups, each of which have varying degrees of quality and difficulty. On the lower end of the scale is the drunk Aussie girls; an easy lay perhaps but quality is generally poor. A much better option is cheeky Javanites; promisous Muslims who come to Bali to bask in relative liberalism. Many are drop-dead gorgeous and easy enough to pull. Be wary, some are semi-pros. Then there are the odd Eastern European and Japanese girls, which needless to say, are stunning. They get creeped on constantly, so require a little more effort. Finally there is my pick: local Balinese girls. Beautiful, feminine and eloquent, a Bali girl is for keeps. They don’t screw around and have good values (having children out of wedlock is seriously frowned upon).

That said, if they like you they will have no problem being intimate with you. These sweet girls really know how to please a man and their accents will make you melt. If you want to hook up with one I recommend day game as most have day jobs in Kuta. At night, they hang out in groups with their friends. Like most women in the region, they prefer westerners. If I had to marry any girl from South East Asia, she would be either Filipina or Balinese. I hope you find your Bali girl

Nightlife Recommendations

Kuta has plenty of options in terms of nightlife. More than likely you will find yourself on Jalan Legion, which has the biggest concentration of nightspots. Go to the bounty if you want to hang out with a load of pissed Aussie students. There is a lot of cool bars on Jalan Poppie 2 with live reggae music most nights, a good starting point.

M-bar-go

Good crowd, good music. This place provides a good medium between the bounty and the next place I recommend…

Sky Garden

A wee bit seedy, but I love this place. Three stories of sexiness. No matter your taste, this is the place to be if you want to get laid. Both me and my mate had no problem scoring here.

Getting High (courtesy of webehigh.com)

Nomad’s input: Not worth it, most dealers try to rip you off and sell you absolute muck. Go for some mushrooms!

Legislation: Possession, Sale, and Consumption of Marijuana is Illegal and punishable with prison 10 years prison and the death penalty is given for trafficking.

Law enforcement: The laws are enforced strongly. Police will except bribes, and generally know not to hassle tourists without due cause.

Where to buy marijuana in bali: Head down to Poppies lane in Kuta and walk around the square that area has a high concentration of dealers; also you can hookup from other tourists, particularly Aussie surfer dudes. I suggest u smoke a bit of it first to test it, I couldn’t even manage to score real weed despite the myriad of dealers.

Bali Marijuana prices: Aceh Weed and Nepalese hash 500,000 Rupiah for a good 10 grams, though make sure you bargain you will initially be charged much more and u can get the price down to 350,000 Rupiah. Australian hydro varies, Aussies get better prices than others, though its about 30 USD for a gram, but as I said earlier prices vary greatly ive heard people saying they’ve paid as much as 80 USD for a gram.

My Kuta Experience

After an incredible bike trip around the island, I landed in Kuta for 4 nights. I didn’t even stay my room once. I approached a tight Javanese girl the first night and went back to hers. Earlier the same night, I gave out my number to a cute Balinese beautician (she was only 4’5!). She text me the next day and asked me over to her place. We really clicked. I had a few dates with other girls each day but I just going back to her; it was hard to upgrade. The last night she experienced her first mushrooms. It was my first trip with a women and it was an unforgettable experience. She cried her heart out when I was leaving; I even shed a tear or two.

It’s 5 AM and I stumble out of Neptunes 2, a rather sleazy establishment in Wan Chai. I’m nicely sauced, courtesy of an Indian millionaire I befriended during the night. The sun was coming up; it hurt my eyes. I find myself alone, patrolling the main strip in search of a taxi. Although I hadn’t scored, my mood was merry nonetheless.  A giggling duo cross my path. They were cute, with caramel complexions. I don”t hesitate…

ME: “Hey, where are guys from?”

GIRL 1: “We’re from the Philippines…”

ME: “Really! I’m going there in two days!?”

GIRL 1: “Wow! You will have fun..”

GIRL 2: “Because you are handsome!”

ME: “Ha! Thank you! You too!”

I continued on my way.

GIRL 1: “Hey, where are you going now?”

ME: “Home. I’m going home.”

GIRL 2: “No, stay with us!”

ME: “No, I should go home. It’s morning.”

GIRL 1: “Come on, we will buy you a drink!”

GIRL 2: “Yeah, come on!”

How could I resist?

True to their word, they brought me to the nearest disco bar and got me a beer. It tasted sweet. I played it shy and innocent, just happy to get a free drink! Before I even had a chance to sit down, the girls grabbed my hands and pulled me to an empty dance floor. They bumped & grinded around me. Everyone stared. It was a Mark sandwich. I felt like a god. Things were going well, too well…

We got a table and started chatting. The conversation was lighthearted and I tried to be charming and funny. Everything was going smoothly. But alas, I was approaching the end of my bottle. I had already told them I was only staying for one drink. The gig was up. The girls start smiling at each other and speaking Tagalog. What was going on? I didn’t know where I stood, the whole situation seemed strange.

GIRL 2: “OK, I think we go home now..”

My heart sunk. They got up to leave.

GIRL 1: “Let’s get a taxi.. Where do you live?”

ME: “Kowloon…”

GIRL 2: “You are a lucky guy tonight… Let’s go!”

BINGO.

Yes, 20 minutes later I had two sexy Filipinas laid out naked on my bed waiting to be fucked…

What happened next I’ll leave to your imagination!

After orgasms all round, we exchanged pictures and phone numbers. They kissed me goodbye and left..

I couldn’t go to sleep. I got dressed, went outside, got myself a beer in the nearest 7/11 and just walked around. The streets were swarmed with people going to work. I wondered the streets of Hong Kong, beer in hand at 8 in the morning. People stared. I didn’t care. I felt utterly liberated. It was the best feeling in the whole fucking world.

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Why not check out my Hong Kong City Guide