Kiev in a word: Blessed.
C.O.H: 3.5 / 5
Q.O.G: 5 / 5
S.T.L: 3.5 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: Around  €.80
Bed: €10 for a dorm
Bud: €15 per matchbox-5 grams
Board: €5 for a steak and chips!
Budget other: Nightclub entry is usually cheap around €2. Budget for treating your date to a few drinks.
Currency Conversion

The girls

I say blessed for a reason. If you are looking for the love of your life, this is the place to be! Kiev is home to arguably the most beautiful women in the world! They have slim Slavic bodies and cute facial features and are more petite than their Belorussian/Russian neighbours. They are also very eager to practice their English and surprisingly friendly. It’s one of the only places in Europe where you see fat 50 year old Americans and Englishmen with a stunning 20 something year old bombshells. Kiev girls are easy to contact over the internet for a meet up. You could litterly date a girl with model-looks every night! They may take a little work and even a few dates, but they are 100% worth it. Some Russian helps ALOT! Just watch out for gold diggers.

Nightlife Recommendations

In the winter time, it is not uncommon to find that there are ten ladies for every one man at a bar or club.

Doctors
It’s not actually called doctors but all the staff wear hospital gear. Any TUI hostel owner will know it. This basement bar is a little hard to find but is has cheap booze, nice steak and good looking girls. Good place to bring a date as well. Ask for the needle. They put you in a straight jacket on the bar counter and feed you a green cocktail mixture through a giant syringe!

O’Briens Pub

Irish pub good for a pint and convenient location. A little pricey than Doctors but a saves you a taxi ride.

Getting High (courtesy of webehigh.com)

Legislation: ILLEGAL – Strict Penalties if caught, severe penalties if caught dealing, up to 20 years in prison.

Law enforcement: Police are very tolerant or can be bribed with as little as $50.00 if you have about 2 cigarettes.

Where to buy marijuana in Kiev: Finding Good Marijuana is not easy but it is available. Amsterdam quality Buds can be purchased although all the ones I have found can be rather dry. Lots of shake is available in Match Boxes from dealers at large metro stations in the downtown area. I have found that Hookers usually have access to it!

another reporter added: “Check first the quality & after that buy.At the metro station nobody will sell you grass. Many assholes try to trick with the foreigners so be careful. Believe me.”

Our LATEST reports say: don`t buy near metro stations (many pigs).
ask for weed people who looks like smokers but don’t`t buy more than 5 grams (match box named “pocket”). try to buy a 1/2 of match box (“polowina”-translates like a HALF)–its most popular , not crime, $10-30 USD .
Marijuana prices: ($20 USD per matchbox-5 grams )Hydroponic costs up to $20 USD per gram. hash not produces in Ukraine and costs more than $30 USD per gram (morocco). there are many growers in Ukraine and here you can find real good stuff (but mostly ruderalis).

More information: Relatively new to the Ukraine, most people here are happy just to get drunk. Very popular with the younger generation.

My Kiev Experience

I arrived with 6 girls phone number, but only had 3 days. I had fun! The first night I met a cute 18 year old and we had a great time. I didn’t have time to meet her again but we still keep in contact. The second night for the craic I decided to invited2 girls to the same place and the same time! PRICELESS! One Russian blonde (20) and one Ukrainian vampire(19)… but the situation was actually quite awkard.  Bottom line – The blonde was totally out-smoked by the vampire and see bowed out gracefully after a drink. The vamp didn’t speak much English but my little bit of Russian helped. I went home with the vampire! Ukraine is the only place in Eastern Europe I would consider living… I almost bought a hostel while I was there!

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Acquiring a language is easy! If you learn the fun way

Language also opens a world of possibilities for meeting exotic women!

The problem is the way in which languages are taught in school. That shit is OUTDATED!

Just use the Naughty Nomad method:

Step 1) Pick your language (see Figure 1 below)

Step 2) Pick a country that speaks that language (see Figure 2 below)

Step 3) Book a flight

Step 4) Download a 30-day Pimsleur audio pack (the cheeky way here)

Step 5) Do the 30 minute lessons everyday for a month before you travel

Step 6) Contact some locals  online  during this period

Step 7 ) With a bit of  luck and persistence,  you’ll be abroad taking lessons under cover in no time!

The best way to learn a language is to date a native speaker

Even German sounds sexy in bed!

Look below and take up the challenge!

Five Reasons Dating Abroad is the Best Way to Learn a Language

Picture this – Christmas morning and you’re overlooking a place called ‘paradise bay’, a spectacular coastal inlet dotted with awesome icebergs of all shapes and sizes. A white blanket of snow dominates the landscape on shore, presenting a stark beauty. A hot sun casts a saffron hue and renders glaciers electric blue. The ocean is completely motionless. The air is profoundly silence. An eternal sunset at the bottom of the world illuminates you and your body becomes the earth…

The next day would see this picturesque bay plunge into a grey abyss and become a frozen sea of ice. It was hard to believe I had been swimming in it earlier, in water where one’s life expectancy is a mere three minutes. As you can imagine, Antarctica does not disappoint in terms of life experience; seeing your first iceberg, the world’s largest penguin colony, a dip in volcanic hot springs by snow and the occasional suicidal mountain decent.

One day we encountered a family of 6 orcas taunting a seal. The whales would leap from the water generating waves in order knock the helpless seal of his pathetic growler of ice. The infants were learning to hunt. It became game of cat and mouse; catching and releasing the poor creature before eventually ripping his carcass to shreds and rationing his organs.

3a.m – an S.O.S call is intercepted by our ship, the Polar Star. Hours later an announcement screeches across the intercom, telling us to look outside. I awake to see a most awesome sight, a towering vessel stranded by the encroaching ice.

At its side “Vavolov” was spelt in Cyrillic, she was a Russian research ship. Everyone scampered outside to view the spectacle. We slowly muscled our way to her rescue and positioned ourselves in front of the immobilised mass. A dozen heavy gauge steel wires were fastened to her and the commanded power of 15,000 horses attempted to pull her from the brink of annihilation. Such exertion was straining the cables to their limit; a snapped cable could kill or maim. As our chariot thundered, an emphatic and sinister cacophony permeated the air. Gradually, emancipation was realised! But freedom was short lived. Mother Nature’s grip now threatened both ships, and it wasn’t long before we would encounter a similar fate. We had ceased. The polar star was the second most powerful icebreaker in the Antarctic and although it had ferried us through the most violent conditions on earth, she was no match for this deadly freeze.  Fear and desertion was etched into the faces of those around me. This was it. Only one hope remained. The Vavolov, having escaped the clutches of the ice pact fired up its engines and with an almighty crash, ploughed into the back out our ship; destroying much of the rear railings. Combining the brute strength of both mighty vessels, we managed to solider through the rigid mass of ice that boxing day. It was to the first of many narrow escapes on my journeys, some of which would prove far more perilous.

DO NOT READ: if you are one of those politically correct wankers or have a vagina… or fangs.  This author is not Anti-Vampire or culturally insensitive, but he does  rock.  He also enjoys spicy food, and has a thing for alternative chicks.  Now…

What if I told Vampires were REAL?

Would you believe me?

I’n not talking about little goth kids who cut themselves and

I’m not talking about fairytale beasts. I’m talking about REAL vampires.

What if I told you there were creatures of the night who

• File teeth/ get implants in order to possess Fangs.
• Leave bite marks & drink blood.
• Perform sensual satanic rituals.
• Dress in erotic Gothic attire to seduce you.

But blood isn’t what they’re after. These vampires thrive on sex for their survival. Sex is used by these wicked temptresses as validation to make up for the love Daddy didn’t give them.

And guess what? - You could be that validation!

Real vampires are originally Slavic not Romanian (deriving from the serbian word vampir) and find their origins in the depths of Eastern Europe and parts of the Balkans.  Ideally they have pale complexions, slim bodies and hypnotic eyes. Many vampires are bi-sexual.

WARNING: Real Vampires are EXTREMELY SEXY!

Female vampires are a rare and kinky breed. Few men have slain one.

Of course by slay I mean had sex with.  And by kinky I mean HOLY SHIT!

My slayer story is for another post, but I hope this guide will help you get your own damp vamp!

Good Luck!

CAUTION:  Hunting vampires is only for the most dedicated and daring.

The Hunting Ground

You need to actually GO to Eastern Europe or the Balkans.  The best hunting ground is in Ukraine, home to the most beautiful women in Europe. Russian visas are a pain and Transylvanian vampires are usually wrote-off Romanian wannabes. Because there are a RIDICLOUS amount of stunning women in Ukraine, many girls turn vamp to give themselves an edge.

Vital Preparations

Vampires are rarely seen. Get online and message some vampires to arrange dates before you go over.  Browse the social networking sites. Ukrainian/Moldavian/Belorussian girls  are more than happy to go out with a western guy. Vampires are no different. Trust me, I’ve met girls from all these countries.  Learning a few words of Russian will increase you chances of success by 300%.

Slay your Vampire

Generally in  Slavic nations, the man ALWAYS pays for drinks. Some, more worldly Slavs understand you’re a westerner and will offer to split the bill but bear in mind it is NOT common in these countries. Vampire exude sexuality and can at first seem intimidating. Play it cool, and after a few drinks  they will be biting you, sucking your neck and sticking their tongue in your ear.  It time for the slay. Take them home for the most kinky, beastly night of your life.

I hope you’ve had fun with this guide . Feel free to rate this article and leave comments!

Yes, I’m sure you’re all convinced you can tell a guy in a dress!

Many an intrepid traveler will tell you they can tell a ladyboy a mile away. That may be true 90% of the time, but many a proud man has let the other 10% slip through the gaydar.

There is a reason why so many men fall for it!

Common myths can steer you wrong – and get you dong!

A ladybody CAN be:

• Beautiful
• Slim & Petite
• Curvaceous
• Very Feminine

They can get their Adam’s apple Shaved!

Implants and facial reconstuction!

They can even have the chop (vaginoplasty)!

So what can you do?

How to prevent bringing that beautiful ‘girl’  home and end up crying in the corner washing your mouth out with rice wine!?

Here are the naughty nomad’s  guaranteed ways to tell a ladyboy  :

Tip 1)  They are suspiciously easy or forward.

Remember – they’re guy too, they just wanna get laid.

Tip 2) The tit test

A  maneuver that could save your ass! Implants are harder then normal breasts. A cheeky squeeze may seem rude, but can reveal a dude!

If you find this too forward, see if she has oddly big hands or feet.

Tip 3) Just fucking ask them!

Ladyboy’s usually don’t bother lying if you ask them. As for South East Asian  girls – they won’t be insulted! They know there’s loads of hot ladyboys. Plus if they are ‘all women’, you have just knocked them down a peg with a neg.

Tip 4) They’re strangely attractive

Not just attractive, strangely attractive. The hottest girl I saw in Phnom Penh turned out the be a man! Remember there’s something about Mirium?

Tip 5) They have a penis

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.

If she has a penis, you have two choices

a) run

b) think to yourself  ”Man! It’s been a really long time…. maybe I’ll just ask them to turn around. I don’t want to be rude… Oh gee I really shouldn’t… well what if I… oh… hey…hey that’s…. that’s not bad… well it’s too late now I guess…”

Disclaimer: Option b) may include side effects like suicide and diarrhoea.

If it looks a vagina it probably is. Let your nose double check if you’re really paranoid!

I hope this guide helps you.

But remember! Not every girl who walks you to you in a bar  in South East Asia is a ladyboy…  some just want to rob you or get a passport!*

* Generalisation  for comic effect, not the view of the author. The author has fortunately never got off with a ladyboy.

Step 1: Arrive after closing time, but before the sun sets.

Step 2: Walk around the parameter eastwards and wonder into the backstreets surrounding the security fence. There’s a KFC nearby, but that can wait. Get talking to the locals about getting in through the “back” entrance.

Step 3: You will introduced to a guide; he will provide you with safe passage and horses. Bargain hard, but remember, they have to pay a large sum of money bribing the police inside. We negotiated we would pay the police ourselves and it end up being far more costly.

Step 4: Mount your horse and head towards the dessert, leaving the city behind you. Prepare you nostril for the occasion odious encounter. We witnessed the disturbing site of a horse’s corpse, rotting in the gutter being consumed by a swarm of feasting flies.

Step 5: After a few kilometres of dramatic dessert scenery, you will spot a makeshift camp on the inside of the security fence. An un-couth looking man will come out and un-hinge a broken section of the fence, allowing you entry for a small fee.

Step 6: Make your way over the dunes to the pyramids. You have them all to yourself! Sure, you might have to bribe a few corrupt officials and you can’t go inside the pyramids themselves, but you can everything but, and there isn’t a single tourist in sight! You also get the privilege of being the only people allowed to watch the Egyptian sun, setting over the only original, surviving ancient wonder of mankind – and right next to the sphinx if you want! Famous people couldn’t do that shit!